Comments on: Bernie (Part Ten)

By: One Wink

One Wink — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 23:25:32 +0000

This is getting very interesting.
I think you need to change Bernie’s response. It’s too terrific a song for anyone to say what Bernie did. And therefore, not quite “believable.”
Also, you may want to consider changing Jeremy’s name, it sounds kinda close to Jeff and did confuse me once at a beginning of a chapter, forget which one. But that’s just me.
The knife thing Shannon brought up is a little awkward. I thought at first that he actually put the knife blade into Glenda’s hand, as in “ouch.”
Maybe change “pressed” to “placed?” I dunno, it’s a tough paragraph and I’m not clear even having read your comment about it.
I guess I’m proving valuable, in that. you always have to assume your reader may not be a rocket scientist. he he
Otherwise, this is great.

By: Simon

Simon — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 20:50:18 +0000

I totally picked up on the song lyric, but I’m glad Bernie also made a plea against it, because without that the reference wouldn’t have seemed so solid. But yeah, to reassure you a little, I totally got the hint.

I certainly know that Jeff is more sinister than the story has revealed thus far, so for the reader’s first contact with him to be as unexpectedly violent as it was may be a bit jarring. I think the dialogue worked pretty well though, from what I recall of him.

By: Mark

Mark — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 19:14:59 +0000

Dave and Simon - I hoped that both her being alone on that walk and the sheer joy she felt would serve as signals that something bad was coming. Or, for those not quite as likely to suspect, a surprise thrill.

Dave - I thought something else was going to happen there, too, but I didn’t know what until they arrived. First drafts — gotta love’em.

Yes, Simon, I meant “Jeremy” there, and I changed it. Thanks! Your questions are good. We shall see.

Shan - Maybe that reference was too obscure. There’s a line in the song “Drops of Jupiter” that says the girl “Listens to Mozart while she does Tae Bo.” I thought that song was popular enough to use that way, but maybe I need to have Bernie mention the song title.

As far as that sentence goes — I didn’t mean that he cut her hand with it. That might not be clear there, but that’s partly because we don’t know his motivation yet. Hmm… well, it will become obvious why he did it when we keep reading.

All - My opinion of this chapter is that I don’t have enough in the story to this point to give the uninitiated reader a sense of dread about Jeff Stivins. Yes, Shonda’s misheard comment way earlier is a hint that he may be more sinister than most believe, but then I don’t really address that again until the scene directly before he shows up in Bernie’s shack. Revision, revision, revision. That should help this story.

By: Shan

Shan — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 18:52:59 +0000

Very good, but 2 things confused me:

1.) Mozart is a composer, not a song. Did I miss something here?

(“Don’t make fun. I might be tipsy, but I can kick your ass. I listen to Mozart while I do Tae Bo.”

“Oh, God, I haven’t heard that song in ages. Please keep it that way.”)

2.) Couldn’t quite make sense of this sentence, so I’m not really sure what happened here:

“He used it to hold the knife as he pressed it into Glenda’s hand, and then left it in Bernie’s and closed her fingers around the handle.”

He wanted it to look like Bernie stabbed Glenda in the hand?

Otherwise, great chapter, babe! Very compelling and exciting!

By: Simon

Simon — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 16:10:33 +0000

“Shonda called Jeff and told him they would have dinner later, and asked him to pass Bernie’s apology to Jeff for breaking their date.”

Do you mean she called Jeremy?

I definitely saw something bad happening at Bernie’s shack. As soon as she said she wanted to go back alone (regardless of her reason), I figured Jeff would find her there.

Now, can she beat this rap better than the one back in high school? And still make a better life for herself with Shonda’s offer?

By: Dave

Dave — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 13:23:43 +0000

Well, I can’t say I didn’t see this coming.

Good episode though… surprised me about the drinks at the Red Apple Inn. I thought something else was going to happen there.