Comments on: Bernie (Part Twelve)

By: One Wink

One Wink — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 13:26:35 +0000

I did the re-read thing a coupla’ times too, after I realized that Bernie was dreaming. I kinda decided that everything after the bp rising was a dream…(I thot maybe you used that physical reaction as the vehicle for the start of the dreaming) except that before that she’d been told that Glenda was alive, so I was a little confused for a bit. So the whole first recollection was a dream then?
I’m going to go on and read the conclusion and it should come together for me.
I’ve been back-and-forth about trusting Shonda but it seems logical that Bernie must have an ally in all of this…

By: Mark

Mark — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 12:21:12 +0000

Dave - Um, Jeff Stivins. The guy who tried to kill Bernie and did kill Glenda. Maybe I didn’t use his last name recently enough in this story for you to recall it.

I like the suggestion of emphasizing Bernie’s confusion and fogginess.

By: Dave

Dave — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 10:47:07 +0000

“I think the bottom line is that if I were to re-write this, I would not use Stivins.”?????

But, you didn’t use Stivins. (I’m getting even more confused now.. *chuckling*)

I think it’s fine as it is, maybe just a bit more soul-searching from her such as “was I dreaming, or was it real.. it’s all so foggy now” kinda thing.

By: Mark

Mark — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 00:07:08 +0000

Moksha - I think a large part of my problem is that I have a main character (whose POV is the only POV) trapped in a hospital bed without the ability to speak. I guess I’m not good enough yet to get around that.

Maybe I could have had Shonda recount a story, but instead of using dialogue, write it like I did Bernie’s flashbacks. That way, Shonda’s telling the story, but we feel we’re there. Hmm…

Anyway, this was a challenge and I’m ready to skip forward substantially. This wasn’t meant to be a story about a person’s long recovery, but that’s exactly what Bernie has coming. Drat.

I think the bottom line is that if I were to re-write this, I would not use Stivins. I had to make it so that he didn’t get caught for attacking Bernie before he was able to kill his victim in “Talk with a Killer.” Thus, the coma.

The dream sequence originally was the actual story, but then I decided not to go that direction, and re-worked it as a dream. I thought it might provide a little tension that way but still allow Shonda to be a good guy.

By: Moksha Gren

Moksha Gren — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 20:34:20 +0000

I also caught the dream aspect of it. And though I now get that Shonda’s comment about pulling devils from her bum was illogical dream babble, I’ll admit I read it three or four times before shaking my head and continuing befuddledly onward only to go “Aaaah” two lines later. Not quite sure how to smooth out that transition, but it was a bit strained for me.

Other than that, very good stuff. I haven’t chimed in in a while, but I’m very impressed with the story. The last two chapters, while well written and detailed have dragged just a bit for me since there’s no desernable tension…especially following on the heels of the attack scene. I assume that’s why you put in the dream sequence. Basically, it’s a tough section. I’m guessing you’ve got more planned and you need to get all this information to the reader so we’re ready for what comes next without bogging down the flow of the story. I think you were mostly successful. It bogged a little…but I can’t wait to see what comes next. And that’s the real test

By: Mark

Mark — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 14:27:57 +0000

Simon and Dave - I was hoping it would make readers go back and look for the point that she fell asleep again. That part worked. But, I looked forward to feedback so I could figure out what might need work.

By: Simon

Simon — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 14:02:48 +0000

I also get that Bernie dreamed the first sequence, but the transition felt pretty awkward to me. There was some indication there where Bernie closed her eyes, and then opened her eyes at the sound of the doctor’s voice. I had to read through that section a few times for it to make sense to me.

Pity about Glenda, though. Poor girl had a big heart after all.

By: Dave

Dave — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 13:34:50 +0000

*LOL* My bad then… I never realized that was a dream…. especially since the cards were there, the name Judy was the same, and Shonda was there.

By: Mark

Mark — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 12:24:49 +0000

Dave - Caught what? Bernie dreamed the first scenario.

By: Dave

Dave — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 11:12:50 +0000

Ok, something doesn’t sit right.
” but after he left, she just picked you up and walked out to West Main to flag down a car. Tough lady.””
and
“She saved you. Somehow dragged herself and you to the foreman’s trailer.”
Not sure if you caught that Mark.

Part of me was wondering if Shonda was part of this with Jeff…. (it could have gone that way), but I’m glad it didn’t.