Bernie (The End)
Bernie is a poverty-stricken woman whose life takes an unexpected turn when an old friend returns to town. This is The End.
Parts: 1|2|3|4|5|6|7|8|9|10|11|12|The End
Related reading: Talk With a Killer, Wall
The End
“Are you sure this is the first place you want to go?” Shonda said.
Their eyes were locked onto a computer’s LCD monitor displaying various trips that had been booked and, for as many reasons, had been canceled last-minute. Shopping around that way, with neither of them tied to an office job, they could save money with spontaneity.
“Yes. No doubt in my mind,” Bernie said.
It had been an arduous three months, but with physical therapy and Shonda’s encouragement, Bernie had recovered physically. Breathing independently of the vent or any supplemental oxygen had come slowly, and because it used so much air, she spoke only for short periods at first.
Speaking up against Jeff Stivins had taken more than just rehabilitation. It had taken all of her courage, but because she had committed to not being the victim again, she held her head up and — for her brother, her dad, and her mom, chose life.
Her testimony had helped put Jeff Stivins away for more than one life sentence. Because he was an unpopular public figure, local judges and attorneys wasted no time getting him to trial. The defense had an appeal planned, but that would not stop Bernie.
“But it’s where your father died.”
“Yes, but he never finished seeing everything. I want to do it for him.”
Shonda clicked the mouse and leaned back in her Herman Miller Mirra chair. “Okay, I just booked it. The U.S. Virgin Islands. No turning back now.”
Bernie sipped Coke from a can and nibbled a Keebler Grasshopper cookie. “Have you already arranged the donation?”
“Just like you said, twenty-five percent of what we spend on every trip goes to the home for battered women and children. That has to be the strangest demand I’ve ever heard someone make before accepting a job,” Shonda said.
“I’m a strange woman.”
Shonda threw her head back and downed the last of a can of Diet RC. “It’s a good thing I’m a rich woman racked with guilt.”
“You know, there’s one more person I didn’t get to say ‘goodbye’ to yet,” Bernie said.
They drove to Pop’s One Stop.
Shonda wore a full, knee-length cotton skirt with a large flower print, a matching pink tank top and flip-flops. She grabbed Bernie’s hand and burst through the front doors, the bells above them announcing their arrival.
Bernie, clad in khaki capri pants and a bright blue, fitted tee shirt, liked the way her feet felt in the tan canvas slip-ons. Although she had not exactly moped around the previous spring, this time around she was much more upbeat.
She had good reason.
During her recovery, doctors had told her that only 15% of patients in a coma due to oxygen deprivation come away able to live independently. They attributed some of her remarkable recovery to the constant exercise and spare eating habits of her former lifestyle. A person less fit most likely would not have fared so well.
Finally, Bernie had overcome the odds and believed that not only did she have nowhere to go but up, but she actually had a good shot at getting there.
From behind the counter, Pop looked up from the quarter-folded Sun-Times and smiled at their arrival. He climbed slowly from his barstool and leaned down behind the counter, out of sight. He stood back up and set on the counter two plastic, gallon milk jugs full of water. “I saved these for you, Little Bernie.”
“Thanks, Pop, but you can just hang onto them,” Bernie said.
He looked back down at the newspaper’s crossword puzzle. “Four letters, means ‘liberated.’ Starts with ‘F.’”
March 12th, 2008 at 5:33 am
yea, Bernie! Thanks for the read. It was fun!
March 12th, 2008 at 7:34 am
I think that was a fantastic way to end the story!
I enjoyed all of the little idiosyncracies that Pops was able to inject into the story, and that very last line struck a home run. Nicely done.
The writing, overall, was good too. It definitely helped having a handful of chapters in the can to start yourself off and give you a direction. I’m glad we didn’t have to go through more of Bernie’s recuperation. That would have dragged, and the jump from then to this ending was appropriate, I thought.
Again, Mark, nicely done.
March 12th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Excellent ending, if a bit quick.
In this part “and spare eating habits”, did you mean to say sparse?
Either way, excellent story Mark!!!
March 12th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Cherie - Thanks for reading it through to the end. If you ever get back to the hometown, just look at the DHS building and think of Bernie. I based her shack on a real building that used to stand on that lot, behind where the DHS building now sits.
Simon - I liked Pop, too. Putting him in the final scene was a whim, but then he finished it well for me. Good characters do that.
I definitely believe in the power of revision, especially when comparing the earlier chapters to the others. Makes me want to go back now and revise my longest work to date (which I have never published out here). I’m going to keep away from publishing serially for a while. Takes too much of my time.
Dave - Yes, it was a quick wrap-up. Although I liked Bernie, that was all I wanted to tell about her. The trips with Shonda, while they may provide additional material later, were not interesting to me right now, so that was the end.
Spare, as an adjective, can mean “lacking in amplitude or quantity” or “just sufficient.” Sparse, on the other hand, means “not dense,” so, I stand by my word choice.
March 12th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
I really liked this chapter. The story ended quite strongly. And the final scene is truly well done, a great way to use Pops’ character.
This story was one of the best written that I’ve read from your collection. I’m still not in love with the hospital chapters, but it started great and ended great…so I walk away a very satisfied customer
I look forward to hearing more from these characters.
Thanks so much for putting in the time on this and for sharing it with us. As one who has beat his own head against the brick wall of fiction, I appriciate the effort that clearly went into this. Thanks for bringing us along with you.
March 12th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Moksha - Thanks, man. Okay, I’m getting verklempt. Yes, you do know about writing fiction, and you’ve posted a dang fine piece, too.
I’m not sure how soon I’ll come back to these characters, because it was a bit of a struggle writing a female lead, and I’m not sure I pulled it off, seeing as how I haven’t (consistently) heard from the female reading contingent.
All - Now I feel I can reveal that in the original “Bernie” story, a one-pager, she woke up, stretched, then wandered down Searcy street toward Lockard’s. She tried to cross the busy street and, due to her severe hearing problem and the fact that she did NOT have hearing aids (changed that for this version), she was unable to hear a warning honk and got hit by a car and died. It ended with Jim cradling her head in his arms (yes, it was still connected — I’m not a complete sicko).
It was called “Bernie Crosses the Road,” and I wrote it when I was about 15. On a typewriter.
March 12th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
I’m on my way to bed, so this will be short and sweet. Bravo, honey!!! The ending rocked - I especially loved Pops’ tie in (the water jugs and the crossword). It made me cry, which you might say is no big deal b/c I do it all of the time, but it really is a big compliment! I am so proud to have such a talented hubby.
March 14th, 2008 at 11:07 am
I finally finished reading Bernie’s journey. I really love the ending of your story. It is a wonderful short story Mark. You should take these characters and write a full novel. Flesh out the characters and their stories. I see a lot of potential for them. Great job Mark!! I agree with Shannon, you are very talented.
March 14th, 2008 at 11:18 am
I think you did a good job writing from a female perspective for a short story. I do think that if you expanded this you could use more input from the female side. However, Bernie was written quite well. She felt her emotions but never seemed to visibly express them, which is common for women (or men) who have experienced trauma in their life. Living in “survival mode” daily does that too. I like that you wrote Shonda as a more emotionally expressive female. I felt she that she wore her emotions closer to the surface. Bernie has the capacity to feel deep emotion but her sense of survival doesn’t allow her to express her vulnerabilties as openly. I would love to know these characters on a deeper level. Hint, hint. Full novel maybe???
I’m glad you didn’t kill Bernie as done in your original writing.
March 18th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Mark,
After reading the first two chapters I decided to wait until the end so I could take it in as a burst — there was too much detail there for my brain to keep in RAM between readings, otherwise (which is a criticism of my brain, not your craft).
My notes, in no particular order:
* You sold me on Bernie, and I felt that her responses were credible and well-suited to her station and life and personal history.
* While the first chapter was a wonderful piece of character and setting work, my initial impression was that it lacked a solid hook. I read on to the next chapter not because of the strength of the first, but because of the strength of your past writing. For those who don’t know you, a more dramatic grab up front might be a worthwhile fix.
* The confrontation in the shack was a bit stark. In contrast to the rape scene on the mountain top (which was decorated with a peppering of immersive details), the action at the shack seemed almost telegraphic in its brevity and purely action-oriented descriptions. Personally, I would’ve preferred you ramped up the creep factor a bit before plunging into the final melee.
* The disorientation Bernie experienced after waking was difficult only because we were presented with two equally plausible descriptions of Glenda’s heroics. Keeping the dreamier version more vague and perhaps stranger might have helped make the “real” explanation stand out more — more credible, more crisp, less surreal.
* The crossword bits were fab.
Keep it coming!
Yours,
Cheeseburger Brown
March 18th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
CBB - It’s always a delight to have talent like yours stop its output long enough to come over and read mine. Thanks for such specific feedback and suggestions. I feel like I’m in a writer’s club.
I agree that the opening scene could use a better “hook.” I have an idea for that.
The confrontation in the shack. That’s a tough one. I admit to rushing that chapter and can offer no better excuse. I provided light from the construction trailer’s floodlight, but didn’t give Bernie much time to see anything. A slower realization that someone was in the room would have been better, probably. And a little more like Stivins, who loves to feed off his victims’ fear.
The hospital scene was a special challenge. I had it all written and ready to go, and then decided to do some research on coma victims and their recovery. Boy, did I have it wrong. I landed on a discussion forum for nurses of every ilk, and posted a message asking for advice from those in ICU and CCU. They were very helpful and gladly read what I had and told me of their experiences.
In the end it was much more medically accurate, but perhaps a little discombobulating (if I may use that word) to the reader. As far as the first shack scenario laid out to Bernie? I suffered that fate that so many writers do — I wrote something that I didn’t want to see on the cutting room floor. I don’t regret going for the “wait a minute, it wasn’t Nate” feeling in the reader, but while it may have started out having that effect, what came later obviously didn’t work well. I like the suggestion of making the dream more dream-like. My dreams rarely bear any resemblance to reality, while my wife’s are eerily realistic.
The crossword bits and the Pop character occurred to me as I wrote — one of the great things about actually getting a story down on “paper!”
Again, thanks!
May 6th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Nice work, Mark. Like CBB, I came back much later (though perhaps for different reasons); I like the quirky bit with the crosswords as well, and it gave you a nice nonchalant ending (like the poker game in the last ST:TNG episode, if I may use a geek reference).
Now back to work.
May 6th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Sheik - Thanks for reading the story. I love your reference to ST:TNG’s finale episode. I got misty on that one, I must admit.