Now back to work.

I agree that the opening scene could use a better “hook.” I have an idea for that.

The confrontation in the shack. That’s a tough one. I admit to rushing that chapter and can offer no better excuse. I provided light from the construction trailer’s floodlight, but didn’t give Bernie much time to see anything. A slower realization that someone was in the room would have been better, probably. And a little more like Stivins, who loves to feed off his victims’ fear.

The hospital scene was a special challenge. I had it all written and ready to go, and then decided to do some research on coma victims and their recovery. Boy, did I have it wrong. I landed on a discussion forum for nurses of every ilk, and posted a message asking for advice from those in ICU and CCU. They were very helpful and gladly read what I had and told me of their experiences.

In the end it was much more medically accurate, but perhaps a little discombobulating (if I may use that word) to the reader. As far as the first shack scenario laid out to Bernie? I suffered that fate that so many writers do — I wrote something that I didn’t want to see on the cutting room floor. I don’t regret going for the “wait a minute, it wasn’t Nate” feeling in the reader, but while it may have started out having that effect, what came later obviously didn’t work well. I like the suggestion of making the dream more dream-like. My dreams rarely bear any resemblance to reality, while my wife’s are eerily realistic.

The crossword bits and the Pop character occurred to me as I wrote — one of the great things about actually getting a story down on “paper!”

Again, thanks!

After reading the first two chapters I decided to wait until the end so I could take it in as a burst — there was too much detail there for my brain to keep in RAM between readings, otherwise (which is a criticism of my brain, not your craft).

My notes, in no particular order:

* You sold me on Bernie, and I felt that her responses were credible and well-suited to her station and life and personal history.

* While the first chapter was a wonderful piece of character and setting work, my initial impression was that it lacked a solid hook. I read on to the next chapter not because of the strength of the first, but because of the strength of your past writing. For those who don’t know you, a more dramatic grab up front might be a worthwhile fix.

* The confrontation in the shack was a bit stark. In contrast to the rape scene on the mountain top (which was decorated with a peppering of immersive details), the action at the shack seemed almost telegraphic in its brevity and purely action-oriented descriptions. Personally, I would’ve preferred you ramped up the creep factor a bit before plunging into the final melee.

* The disorientation Bernie experienced after waking was difficult only because we were presented with two equally plausible descriptions of Glenda’s heroics. Keeping the dreamier version more vague and perhaps stranger might have helped make the “real” explanation stand out more — more credible, more crisp, less surreal.

* The crossword bits were fab.

Keep it coming!

Yours,
Cheeseburger Brown

I’m not sure how soon I’ll come back to these characters, because it was a bit of a struggle writing a female lead, and I’m not sure I pulled it off, seeing as how I haven’t (consistently) heard from the female reading contingent.

All - Now I feel I can reveal that in the original “Bernie” story, a one-pager, she woke up, stretched, then wandered down Searcy street toward Lockard’s. She tried to cross the busy street and, due to her severe hearing problem and the fact that she did NOT have hearing aids (changed that for this version), she was unable to hear a warning honk and got hit by a car and died. It ended with Jim cradling her head in his arms (yes, it was still connected — I’m not a complete sicko).

It was called “Bernie Crosses the Road,” and I wrote it when I was about 15. On a typewriter.

This story was one of the best written that I’ve read from your collection. I’m still not in love with the hospital chapters, but it started great and ended great…so I walk away a very satisfied customer I look forward to hearing more from these characters.

Thanks so much for putting in the time on this and for sharing it with us. As one who has beat his own head against the brick wall of fiction, I appriciate the effort that clearly went into this. Thanks for bringing us along with you.

Simon - I liked Pop, too. Putting him in the final scene was a whim, but then he finished it well for me. Good characters do that.

I definitely believe in the power of revision, especially when comparing the earlier chapters to the others. Makes me want to go back now and revise my longest work to date (which I have never published out here). I’m going to keep away from publishing serially for a while. Takes too much of my time.

Dave - Yes, it was a quick wrap-up. Although I liked Bernie, that was all I wanted to tell about her. The trips with Shonda, while they may provide additional material later, were not interesting to me right now, so that was the end.

Spare, as an adjective, can mean “lacking in amplitude or quantity” or “just sufficient.” Sparse, on the other hand, means “not dense,” so, I stand by my word choice.